i know what you mean!

for Cil

Posted on: October 16, 2006

Today is one of those days where I am reminded that there are ugliness from the world outside of my countrol, it seeps through the edges of my imaginary globe, and makes everything seems dark, sad, and menacing for a while.  I am faced with the question: why is this happening?  The feelings of hurt and disgust took turn nibbing at me for awhile, until just about 8:30, when I suddenly heard something echoing from memory: that’s what I like about you sister, you tell it like it is, you don’t bullshit.  Who said that?  Quick faces of coworkers flashed by, no, not that one, but the other one, Cil.

Cil, you were always thanking me ever since your accident, you called and cried to express your gratitude and how touched you were.  You called each time we as your friends sent you something to wish you well, you were always truly truly grateful to each one of us.  Yet you yourself have always been a gift to me, and I hardly remember the things that you are grateful to me for, but I always remember you for being yourself, and for saying to me the things that really counts, the words of a true sister, the way you put it.  And now the time came when I needed something to give me strength, as I fought and chided myself all evening, trying to reason myself out of feeling blue, feeling like there is not much I can share with anyone to make things better (because the story itself is ugly and shouldn’t be repeated; it’s me, though many don’t know, that I silently clean up others’ messes if I can, and keep dirty secrets to myself not because I want to protect the perpetrators, but because there is nothing beautiful about these dirty secrets to be exposed under the sun) then there were your words, sister, reminding me of the price that I pay to be myself.  The price that you yourself have always been paying too, no doubt, to be a wonderfully honest and open person that you are.

The gloom really lifted, Cil, and all the ugly thoughts went away, replaced by memories of the cheerful things you have said to me, the life stories that you have shared, the way you greeted me back then… I in my turn am filled with gratitude now, for the gift from you that really came through in my time of need –  the gift of you being you, Cil.  I will always think of you no matter where each of us is in life.


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happenings right now


October 2006
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