rough night and angry rants
Posted September 18, 2009on:
last night we went to bed at 9:15 after a very good day of naps. We didn’t get to some shut eyes until 10:30ish. I fell asleep around 11pm. May stirred at exactly 2am. I thought “WOW, AMAZING! a 3 hr stretch! Things must be looking up!” Well that was the last time I had a cheerful thought. I didn’t get much sleep between 2am-8am. By 6am I was near suicidal in terms of despair, and that was when May ceased to thrash around in her sleep and was UP AND TALKING. By 7am I found acceptance. by 8am we were both exhausted and May gave me some sleep until 10am. Thanks god for those 2 hours of off/on sleep. By 10:30 a.m. I was thinking happy thoughts again.
I guess the thing that’s so hard with night time parenting is that I feel so alone. It’s hard to explain unless you are in my shoes. I guess Chau can relate. Because Chau used to assume all night time parenting responsibilities, too, just like me now. It’s because we assume that’s what a stay at home mom does. Stay at home mom takes care of the up and up baby so that the hardworking dad gets his much needed sleep. Otherwise, who’s gonna provide for the whole family? So I do all night time parenting. If Son’s up, it doesn’t help much anyway, because there’s no way on earth I can just fall back to sleep knowing May is still up and about. I’m just strung that way. Wonder where May gets her difficult sleeper genes… So it has been me up with the baby since day one. And oh it feels so lonely. All it takes is a few handful of straws and I’m ready to hit my head hard against the wall for relief. Resentment would rise THIS high when I’m in such mood and I look just beyond where we lay to see Son still deep in sweet slumber. Rationalizing things does not make resentment go away. Knowing that this is my arrangement, this is how I want things to be, this is my sense of guilt and fairness that drives me to this edge – does not make resentment go away. But my great power of will did manage to push resentment down, it did. What floats up to take its place is the sense of loneliness. LONELINESS in blue and all caps. I felt powerless in the face of insomnia. I felt powerless lying there next to May who kept on stirring fitfully every 30 minutes, latching on/off desperate to settle down but couldn’t. When she got up at 6a.m., I couldn’t get her back to sleep with nursing, and that was just when I got tired enough to find some sleep.
Thing with the likes of me is, never tell us “sleep when the baby naps.” Because this baby naps when I’m up and walking about. If we happen to be lying down, I still can’t fall asleep. I think I inherit postpartum insomnia from my mom. Who has SERIOUS chronic insomnia.
But what the hell. Today is another cool day, and the 2 hours of sleep I did get this morning made me appreciate life again. Though May wakes up at night and fusses around, she has never cried inconsolably and scared the crap out of me like Chau’s kid did the first few months of her life. If you are a working dad and have a stay at home wife with an infant, the best thing you can do for your wife is to use your time wisely. Don’t let her catch you doing frivolous shits with your time. Because that’s when the resentment would rise so high it makes her dizzy.
OMG I just finished this post and I thought “Now if I turn around and find Son asleep instead of studying I’m gonna….WHAT THE FUCK HE’S ASLEEP!!!” I’m going to burst a blood vessel. This is ALWAYS the case when he studies in bed. That’s why when he was studying for his board back in ’07, I forced him to sit in the chair in the guest room all day long. Now he’s running out of time to study for his board and yet he still does this. ARGGH. *bash head against the wall* He cannot afford to do this. Keep this up and he’ll run out of time soon, get less sleep later, study badly, go to work a wreck, catch a cold, give it to all of us…. ARGGGHHHHHH. *bash head against the wall some more* I feel let down. Should I go and wake his ass up? Chau used to rage against my brother in law all the time because b-i-l used to pull this kind of frivolous shit on her and I thought “that’s just b-i-l, not my husband. Mine is gonna be different and sensible.” Ha ha guess who’s naive ? Should I just go kick his ass right now and get it over with?
While I’m so mad at him, let me write it down here so I can chew his ass about it later: I went into the kitchen just now to check on the pho+? pot, and fucking cat started meowing. Son got up just to yell at the cat (UH, NO, May’s sleeping, silence please!!!); and then he saw me going after the cat with a slipper while WEARING THE SLEEPING MAY on my fucking shoulders, meaning I cannot afford to make any noise or drastic movement because she would wake up from her nap – and yet he went straight back to sleep. How about getting up and shove the cat’s ass into the cage to ensure that May’s nap would not get disturbed again? i’m gonna cry.