i know what you mean!

not great mom material

Posted on: February 23, 2010

I strive for that title, but i have to admit, I am not great mom material. So getting an A+ is out of the question. I never aim for A+’s in my life neither. I have always adored that A-, the one that says “still good enough.” May, when you grow up and read this, please cut me some slack. I keep cats instead of dogs because my attention span sucks. I have a love/hate relationship with Fatty because he thinks he’s a BABY instead of an independent aloof cat. That and he humps my stuffs. But back to you.

I know I’m not entitled to anything once you are born. I bring you into this world, and until the day you grant me any entitlement, I just have to suck it up. That’s where I lose my A+ prospect. I suck at sucking it up. There are times when I just want to be left alone. Like don’t bother me. And I get moody. That usually comes after you have shown all tired signs and I nurse you down to sleep. Instead of sleeping, you sit right back up and climb on me. I have tried to decipher this mysterious activity for a month now. Why scale me?? I’m here, I’m holding you. You want to be held over the shoulder? No. You want to change side? No. I’ve tried. You just can’t get comfortable, and if I leave you be, flailing around in my lap, you complain; if I move you onto the bed so you can figure out your own gymnastics, you complain and try to climb back into my lap. If i hold you, you fight me. After a few minutes of this, I have enough. And these days, I just put you down onto the mattress, where you fuss and rub your eyes, and try to get back into my lap. But I don’t let you. I just push you back down onto your back, not roughly, but it is what it looks like: me rejecting you. This would last for about 5 minutes, and then I pick you up and we’re good to snooze. It works almost 10/10 times.

I don’t walk around saying I don’t let you cry anymore. I’m not that AP parent anymore (not that I have striven for that title). Sometimes I just feel like, fine, cry if that’s how you feel. Me, I’m checking out. I can’t say I need it. I can’t say about anything except, during those moments when I push you out, I just have one thought in my head “you wait.” I feel uneasy as I write this down, because it’s admitting that I suck at mothering. But I hope that in recording my weak moments, I can work on becoming better at it. I’m sorry for all the moments I push you away and just think of myself. I’m sorry for all the moments I yell “GAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” like a barbarian out of frustration (mostly about sleeplessness). You just look at me amused, not afraid. I hope you will never have to look at me with fear. So I hope if you father reads these lines, he will remember what I have told him, that I am not a product of from a functional parenting unit. That I have fears I might become what I survived, so I need his perspective.

note: any mentioning of “weaning” a baby to a committing nursing mother will irk her to no end and will feel like a slap in the face. I’m still feeling resentful about the weaning comment. I need your father’s perspective but a thoughtful and well researched one would be greatly appreciated.


3 Responses to "not great mom material"

you are a great mom!

Better mom than me. Hugs hugs! It will soon pass…sometimes you just have to let her cry. I feel guilty every time, but it’s for PP’s best interest that he can sooth himself to sleep.

Cu Đạo cũng lam giống bé May vậy đó. Thay vì bú xong rồi thì ngủ, he lăn qua lăn lại, trèo qua người mình, trèo qua gối, mền, trèo lên xuống cái mattress, ngồi dậy, nằm xuống…he làm vậy trong lúc mắt thì nhắm, miêng thì la, có làm cách gi he cũng không chịu nằm im để ngủ. He làm vậy khoảng 10 phút rồi đi tìm tay của Mommy để ôm, một tay ôm tay Mommy, một tay mân mê tay Mommy, rồi ngủ luôn. Nếu Daddy ôm him thì he khóc rống lên. Buổi tối bây giờ chỉ có Mommy cho him ngủ được thôi, không giống như lúc trước, có bình sữa thi ai ru him ngủ cũng được. Cu Đạo làm như vậy cũng 2-3 tuần nay rồi, không biết có phải sắp mọc thêm răng hay không. Nếu như cho him đi ngủ sớm (khoảng 8-8:30pm) và không cho him chơi trước giờ ngủ nữa thì he ngủ dể dàng hơn. Hy vọng đây chỉ là tạm thời thôi, rồi sẽ qua.

Good luck!

me. Cu Dda`o, welcome 🙂 now that you’ve mentioned it, i’ll try to wear May down before bedtime (0 cho cho+i, chi? be^’ tre^n lu+ng 30 min before bed time). Ho^m qua by coincidence i co’ be^’ her for awhile 0 cho cho+i before bed thi` tha^’y May ngu? de^~ ho+n ma^’y ho^m tru+o+’c. Thanks for commenting

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

happenings right now


February 2010
« Jan   Mar »
%d bloggers like this: