not great mom material
Posted February 23, 2010on:
I strive for that title, but i have to admit, I am not great mom material. So getting an A+ is out of the question. I never aim for A+’s in my life neither. I have always adored that A-, the one that says “still good enough.” May, when you grow up and read this, please cut me some slack. I keep cats instead of dogs because my attention span sucks. I have a love/hate relationship with Fatty because he thinks he’s a BABY instead of an independent aloof cat. That and he humps my stuffs. But back to you.
I know I’m not entitled to anything once you are born. I bring you into this world, and until the day you grant me any entitlement, I just have to suck it up. That’s where I lose my A+ prospect. I suck at sucking it up. There are times when I just want to be left alone. Like don’t bother me. And I get moody. That usually comes after you have shown all tired signs and I nurse you down to sleep. Instead of sleeping, you sit right back up and climb on me. I have tried to decipher this mysterious activity for a month now. Why scale me?? I’m here, I’m holding you. You want to be held over the shoulder? No. You want to change side? No. I’ve tried. You just can’t get comfortable, and if I leave you be, flailing around in my lap, you complain; if I move you onto the bed so you can figure out your own gymnastics, you complain and try to climb back into my lap. If i hold you, you fight me. After a few minutes of this, I have enough. And these days, I just put you down onto the mattress, where you fuss and rub your eyes, and try to get back into my lap. But I don’t let you. I just push you back down onto your back, not roughly, but it is what it looks like: me rejecting you. This would last for about 5 minutes, and then I pick you up and we’re good to snooze. It works almost 10/10 times.
I don’t walk around saying I don’t let you cry anymore. I’m not that AP parent anymore (not that I have striven for that title). Sometimes I just feel like, fine, cry if that’s how you feel. Me, I’m checking out. I can’t say I need it. I can’t say about anything except, during those moments when I push you out, I just have one thought in my head “you wait.” I feel uneasy as I write this down, because it’s admitting that I suck at mothering. But I hope that in recording my weak moments, I can work on becoming better at it. I’m sorry for all the moments I push you away and just think of myself. I’m sorry for all the moments I yell “GAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” like a barbarian out of frustration (mostly about sleeplessness). You just look at me amused, not afraid. I hope you will never have to look at me with fear. So I hope if you father reads these lines, he will remember what I have told him, that I am not a product of from a functional parenting unit. That I have fears I might become what I survived, so I need his perspective.
note: any mentioning of “weaning” a baby to a committing nursing mother will irk her to no end and will feel like a slap in the face. I’m still feeling resentful about the weaning comment. I need your father’s perspective but a thoughtful and well researched one would be greatly appreciated.