another stressful month
Posted August 16, 2010on:
Oh geez, Tu vi tron nam linh thiet! I read it 6 months ago and it said beware of unexpected BIG expenditures. I reread it last week and thought, well, so far we seem ok… And then we got the phone call, now i’m running around like a headless chicken trying to make arrangements for Son’s rotation in Detroit area next month. It’s good news, but it’s stressful. I already had 2 sleepless nights within the last 7 days. Gah. And I spent so much time worrying about Son that I drive myself crazy. I have been short tempered with May, poor May. This morning while I was trying to compose emails inquiring about housing for Son, May kept on pulling at my laptop’s electrical cords, so I snatched it away from her and scolded her, saying “How many times have I told you to leave this alone? This is not a toy, it’s dangerous, cut it out!” Such a ridiculous thing to say to a 1 year old. May’s face fell and the corner of her mouth twisted, her eyes were glittering and she said “nu+~a” (more) which is the newest fav word she has recently acquired. Typically, when she gets tired or panicky, she would say her favorite word to distract and comfort herself. Poor baby. I just dropped it and held her close, telling her that I love her and let’s play with something else beside electrical cords.
And then, tonight, when I came into the room to search for some thing before getting May down for bedtime, I found Son already in position, ready to sleep. I just lost it and wanted to scream because I knew he had not done his meditation. I asked him to go do it before he goes to sleep, but his lack of response (or my perception thereof) drove me up the walls, so I pestered him in all the no-no manners including nagging and guilt-tripping until he finally got up, albeit unhappily, and put in (because I monitored) less than 30 minute’s worth of …something downstairs.
Our days are so rushed and so filled with fatigue right now that there are so much left unsaid at the end of the day. Even when we want to – when I want to – we can’t really sit down for talks the way we used to be able to any more. Whenever I tried, I just felt like I’m the one talking, and my husband glumly succumming to my monologues, sure sure, whatever makes you happy, that sort of thing. And then nights after nights I hear him thrashing around in his sleep, moaning, and sometimes, gasping, and there go those knots again, knots every where in my guts, my throat, my breath. What I wanted to say, instead of scolding Son tonight, nagging, guilt tripping, is that, please trust me when I know you are so tired and exhausted, and yet I push you to do something. It’s not because I am selfish or controlling. I have my reasons, and there is that little flickering in my gut that tells me when I am right about something. Those flickers pushed me tonight, and as I watched Son unresponsive to my initial urges, they flared and made me feel like I must get my point across, no matter what.
Many people are fooled by my advice, as I tend to say things that make lots of sense. It’s reasonable that they assume I would follow my own counsel and we all live in a harmonious, peaceful, loving, happy environment. The thing is, I always know a lot about what should be done, but I myself often don’t do half of those things. I work hard and strive for ideals, but the day to day gets to me, my own nature gets to me. I don’t beat myself over it, but this is just to say, don’t be fooled by the things I know or disappointed by the things I do. I am just me, and currently, I’m stressed out @_@