lovers in Boston
Posted July 6, 2011on:
We arrived on July 3rd with cat, kid, luggages, and carseat in tow. It was such a struggle to carry 1 cat in a bag + carseat + 3 luggages + 3 backpacks + 1 laptop case between 2 people. Son was pissed with the amount of luggages we had to lug, but then again, hey dude, if you don’t like it, get involved in the packing process the next time! Then again, it wasn’t just because of the luggage, but the stress building up during the last week of our move, the constant cleaning and packing, loading, hauling garbage, dealing with crazy Kaiser crap, paper works that should have been taken care of 2 months ago but didn’t because incompetent office workers… they all added up to a very peevish, sulking, and overall not fun partner.
I know I have joked about the Ostrich Maneuver wherein you stick your head into a hole at the sight of bad news, but I practice it quite a bit. In the case of sulking husband with hands and face glued to his iphone for the first 48 hours in Boston, I just ignored him. I was irritated to no end, because it seemed like he wasn’t pleased with anything, and that him being in Boston and all of my effort to pull this vacation together, plus An’s generosity, hospitality, and absolute support, wasn’t something wonderful and enjoyable. May, An and I just worked around him. If he wasn’t having fun, whatever, I took May out, took care of her daily needs, and then spent late nights laughing and talking on the sofa with An, while Son and May slept.
I figured time was what he needed, and he’s obviously clued-in enough to understand the situation. Thanks goodness he snapped out of it somewhat on the 3rd day and said to me, sort of off-handedly-out-of-the-blue “I guess I should just enjoy the vacation huh?” YES!! I know he has a lot on his mind still, but I’m with the school of thought “if you can’t do anything about the craps, just ignore them whenever you can.” It wasn’t like he was a horrible partner while he was in his checked-out mode. He was still somewhat helpful when I need help with May, he was still mindful of May around the house, looking after her, bathing her, feeding her meals. It’s just that he mentally checked out, didn’t talk or smile, didn’t try to engage anyone in niceties, didn’t take care of himself, didn’t act like he’s appreciating any of this Boston stuffs. Like, dude, I know An’s my sister and your sister-in-law, and she loves us, and she’s awesome to be around, she takes care of everything, I know! But that doesn’t mean you can show any less appreciation. Even if it’s your own mom or whatever, you should always be grateful to people who are nice to you if you accept their generosity, no exception. Even if you are in a rut. That was what irked me. That and the gameplaying thing, which I have addressed many times in the past. Whenever Son’s in a shutdown mode, he effectively shut people out by hanging out exclusively with his cellphone, playing game for hours. It drives me batty, it makes me very very angry, and it makes me want to scream and hit him with a frying pan to wake him up. But I exercised self restraint. I just walked softly around him and bury him with kindness if I am angry enough to want guilt from him. I ignored him like a thorn if I felt burned out and didn’t have enough energy to fight it. Either way, I carried on with my business. And then thanks god, soon enough, he snaps out of it. Sometimes 3 months, sometimes 3 days, but he’s come around.
Part of this Boston trip is to restore his happier old self. His beloved taichi instructor had moved to MA 4 years ago, and invited Son to call him whenever Son comes to Boston. Son has done it once before, where we spent 2 weeks in MA and he went up to Salem to train with that guy. This time, I proposed that Son does the same thing. Tai chi is one of those things that grounds Son to the idea that life is a gift. For the 8 years that Son practiced taichi in Berkeley, he was at his best – caring, loving, open, goofy, spontaneous, forgiving. The move to York isolated him from his soccial support network, dealt him some harsh reality cards, and without any kind of outlet for his stress, he dove into game playing. Taichi is supposed to restore his sense of joy in life. I’m hopeful.
So. I guess with that, our vacation has now officially begun.