i know what you mean!

wanting to be 19 again

Posted on: February 12, 2012

sad news! I have made little to none effort in shedding the 5 pounds I have gained since August. I am so nostalgic about my 24″ waist tonight.  Although technically I can still stuff everything into 24″ jeans, the difference is undeniable sighs.  I miss being 19.  How nice it would be to walk into a room and, without looking around, know that eyes are on me, in a good way, again. How nice it would be to know that although I’m not the one with the features in the room, I’ve maximized 100% my potential and shined in the way that 19-year-old’s do.  I can’t remember which book it is, but there was an older person saying that all 19 year old’s are beautiful – chubby ones, pimply ones, scrawny ones, oily greasy ones… they all bask in their youthful glory full of promises.  The last time I paid that much attention to my own appearance on a regular basis – and did something about it – is when I was 19.

The other night Linh KS said something along the line of “recently you seem to pay attention to fashion trends.” – heh. I guess if I say I have always been fashionably conscientious, many of my friends would go, really?? You pay attention?? I don’t have much to show for it…  I’m writing this down to jump start my resolution to shed the muffin top.  It’s so hard when I no longer walk around all day long like I used to….

I first read Madame Bovary in high school, and I was inexplicably sympathetic to the female character. Little could I imagine that 15 years from those days, I share the same feelings and yearnings with her.    I’ve always felt a sense of restlessness in me that is best tamed when I’m able to tease people and laugh about it.  Other people may strive to attain degrees or run a marathon or find a cure for cancer to affirm their existence, me, I tease.  The best people to tease for me are guys who are attracted to me, because with the sexual tension added, it’s double the fun.  I miss attracting the opposite sex’s attention, now that I’m no longer working.  I miss the feelings before an official relationship starts, the thrills, the uncertainty, the waiting…  writing emails and feel moved by my own words or charmed by my own wits lol.  I miss the confidence I could swagger in those moments;  the ability to tell men, even if you are not physically attracted to me, I know you’ll hang around for a bit more  because you are not sure what I will do or say next.   Without these mind games, life becomes a bit dull for me.   Do you have confidence in your attractiveness and wits?  Are you single?  Can I be your consultant so I can have some fun too??  Maybe I should start writing a novel…

Son, if you are reading this, surprise me!


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February 2012
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