the good kind of loss?
Posted November 9, 2012on:
Thien asked me the other night how I am feeling so far. I tend to react to things rather slowly, as in, when changes come, it would look like I roll along just fine, but in reality, it takes me a while to freak out.
I told her the first word that comes to mind is loss. With each child who graces my life, parallel to the joy and the relief and the gratitude, there is a sense of loss. I remember a month after May was born, I managed to hand her over to Son and just drove to the grocery store alone. I felt like I have lost a part of myself, the free spirited self who could come and go as she liked in the past.
The other night I took the car out for another Target run after handing the sleepy Tim over to Son. As I drove the familiar route May and I have taken day to day, I felt that loss again. This time it’s the loss of intimacy with my first born. Of us coming and going whenever and wherever we liked for the last 3 years. Of having eyes for her and only her.
Motherhood is my choice and my desire, but I still struggle with my sense of self and the everlasting thirst for freedom. It’s not something I want to quell neither. I’ll just let it lie, and with time, maybe we’ll see…