i know what you mean!

the good kind of loss?

Posted on: November 9, 2012

Thien asked me the other night how I am feeling so far. I tend to react to things rather slowly, as in, when changes come, it would look like I roll along just fine, but in reality, it takes me a while to freak out.
I told her the first word that comes to mind is loss. With each child who graces my life, parallel to the joy and the relief and the gratitude, there is a sense of loss. I remember a month after May was born, I managed to hand her over to Son and just drove to the grocery store alone. I felt like I have lost a part of myself, the free spirited self who could come and go as she liked in the past.

The other night I took the car out for another Target run after handing the sleepy Tim over to Son. As I drove the familiar route May and I have taken day to day, I felt that loss again. This time it’s the loss of intimacy with my first born. Of us coming and going whenever and wherever we liked for the last 3 years. Of having eyes for her and only her.

Motherhood is my choice and my desire, but I still struggle with my sense of self and the everlasting thirst for freedom. It’s not something I want to quell neither. I’ll just let it lie, and with time, maybe we’ll see…


2 Responses to "the good kind of loss?"

This feeling has been constantly floating in my mind. But we cannot have it all. That’s one thing I have to acknowledge so that I can breathe easily.

Hang in there em iu. Love you!

Hồi mới đẻ lần nào em cũng bị cảm giác này.
Đến giờ lâu lâu cũng còn bị.
Hugs chị

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

happenings right now


November 2012
« Oct   Dec »
%d bloggers like this: