young girl don’t cry
Posted November 10, 2013on:
you said none of your friends understand how you feel, it stuck in my mind. It didn’t hit me until now, after I went back to the moment and understand why the statement stood out. It’s because I think you don’t understand how your friends feel. I said to you this already, but I want to say it again: maybe they – we – do understand how you feel. I have crossed the same bridge and back then I shared the same sense of wretchedness, the same desperate thoughts, same sense of waking up and having to focus on putting one foot in front of the other hoping the days will pass quickly until something happier could come along. The sense of being among people and acutely aware of my loneliness, all that jazz. You probably didn’t know that at one point, I envied you.
What I was trying to tell you yesterday was this: there were times, now, when I drove furtively along the streets of Albany, sprinkled with a liberal dose of speed bumps, listening to the radio, and a love song would come up – the type of love song that maybe 10 years ago I would have thought, “wow, deep” or would have listened to on repeat because it would have described how I used to feel, or how I used to fantasize about love – or maybe I might still do, if I get a bit more “me” time (after 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep) to get in touch with my inner sap. But I don’t. So instead, I felt like saying “what a load of bull! this guy needs a healthy dose of reality slap to make him sprout less nonsense!” it’s not that I don’t believe in love anymore. It’s more like I’m always feeling frazzled and run down, even in moments of “me” time that I get. So, even though I might have been through what you are now going through, I have left that inexperienced and young girl behind 4 years ago. All I have , now, to offer, is my wisdom on this side of the mirror. My reality is that you might think you are dying now, some day when it’s all over, you might look back just as I have and wanting to smack some sense into that sad girl. But I know we must all cross our own bridge in our own time, and each of us can only focus on our own pain as our teeth get pulled (figuratively speaking), so much so that even if others tell you, “you’ll be fine,” that doesn’t make the experience less painful.
So don’t think unilaterally misunderstood. Or, even if no one understand how you feel, don’t think too much about it. No one owes it to you. Bide it and move on.