i know what you mean!

Posted on: April 27, 2018

my earliest memories of mom were mostly Church related, I think one time I was around 5ish, and I misbehaved one way or another.  It was rather late at night, and so I was punished while the rest of the family did the nightly rosary.  I think I cried my way through it.   When my siblings were dismissed and began putting up their mosquito nets at bed time, mom had me do a separate nightly rosary with her.

For some reason, it was very dark, or my memories were dark —  ah, I remember, it was because everyone were supposed to be asleep, so lights were turned off, but still I didn’t repent correctly.  Finally mom got tired, so she had me pray with her, we did the prayers in the dark.  There were long prayers that I couldn’t quite remember, so I just stumbled along, repeating after mom.  There was the last prayer about entrusting everything in God’s hand, but it was rather graphic to a child of 5:  Dear Mary and Jesus,  nights and days, I  leave with you my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my tongue, my heart, and my everything to you ……  As I repeated these words in the dark, I thought of having to pull each part of my body out, bloody and gory, leaving them like sacrifices to God.

Nowadays mom is doing a fast dive into Alzheimer’s, so for those who live faraway like me, we call daily to talk to her, help her socialize a bit, making her days less bewildering, while the siblings living near trying to make arrangements to take care of her.  I hate talking on the phone more than an average person, so I have to set a daily alarm reminding myself to call mom.  And then after a week or two, I don’t know what to say on the phone.  Mom gets incoherent, I feel uneasy.  We are like strangers, the kid who left home early and feel very little connection to people; the mom who lived her whole life so timid; now that she forgets that life, the only thing that we both can seem to hold on to, is God.  So I said mom, should I say the rosary with you?  Many of the prayers she had spent her life reciting, she has forgotten.  So I opened up google and read them to her.  She followed along.  Now she’s like that child praying in the dark, and I’m the one leading her.

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happenings right now


April 2018
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