i know what you mean!

Posted on: October 26, 2020

Had a dream about my mom 2 nights ago.  She was still old and with dementia, but when I visited her in a nursing home, she was healthy, happy, and completely lucid.  It wasn’t a long and detailed dream, but I didn’t realize that I miss her being herself until I had the dream.

I think this dream was brought on by me remembering how a few years back, she asked me, “Do you want my St. John clothes?”  I was about to freak out, like omg you are asking me to wear middle age fashion now :(((  I said just hold on to them, I might ask them later on, but I didn’t have any need to dress up at the moment.  Now we don’t have spontaneous conversations like that anymore, or at least for the time being, because I’m far away.

I have the tendency to completely throw things that are unfortunate out of my consciousness, just because I feel it’s futile and unproductive to dwell on them, but I know they are somewhere in the back of my mind, probably brewing.  If i ask myself, am I sad about it?  Yes, I am, but more sad for her than for myself, i guess?  We are so far away, whether we see her once or twice a year in person, it wouldn’t make too much difference to our lives whether she remembers us or not. That’s what I think.  But knowing that far away, she is losing herself fast is a sad story no matter how one looks at it.

If anyone tells me, i’m sorry to hear, or i want to give you hugs etc., I don’t need it.  It’s useless for me. truly.  I have people who love me and hug me everyday, it’s her that this post is about.

my heart hurts today because we as a nation have lost someone who has tireless fought for women’s rights and minorities and equality. She has fought all the way until the end, and now I feel a bit lost because she’s no longer with us, but I will try my best to fight my little battles as well. I hope my children will continue to fight, however things might look down the road for them.

I had been watching some people posting excerpts of a period drama on twitter, and the plotline is total soap opera with a young student crushing hard on her widower teacher. Of course Julie plays the teacher, because he has the knack for picking really soapy roles. And his character was described as an ex-samurai who left family tradition and found faith in Jesus, so he went to teach for an all girls school after his wife died, instilling western values in the next female generation — this is based on a true story, main character =the first modern Japanese female reporter.  Anyway, you got this Kenshin-eque guy running around looking like hot stuffs for the girl to pine after, and then he was constantly trying to help the students who got into trouble.  Finally we reached a point where he was praying in the chapel and felt dizzy.
I told my friend, omg, if he faints from a heart condition, i’m buying the DVD set.


1 day later


me to my friend: They just carried him home because he collapsed on the street


and the dr came to say he has a heart conditon
I’m buying this shit. 


Hôm bữa dọn tủ đá, lục được 1 bịch sữa vắt còn sót lại từ thuở con Mơ bú bình.  Chụp 1 tấm hình đăng status Screen Shot 2020-05-01 at 6.57.50 PM

chưa kịp rung đùi đắc ý được bao lâu thì đến tối cô em chồng nổi lên phán 1 câu xanh rờn:  “That looks like my hand writing!”

Sực nhớ cũng đúng, hồi đó có lần xin mấy bịch từ em chồng dữ trữ lỡ con Mơ không đủ để bú, nhưng rốt cuộc không phải dùng.  Hự. Lẽ nào tình yêu của mẹ cũng là đồ “buy nothing” ?

I’ve decided to create a dedicated blog to Sawada, free of any other contents, so this one will be idle for awhile once again

the new dedicated Sawada blog is called 架空のジュリー (kaku no juri / fictional Julie), taken from my favorite Julie album, 架空のオペラ(kaku no opera / fictional opera), a reminder that everything you read about Julie from me might not be 100% true.  “Take everything with plenty of aji-no-moto” is the tagline.



November 2020